Joke of the month

Fire insurance claim

A lawyer purchased a few boxes of very expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim form, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer filed a court case.. and WON!

How ?

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid Rs. 100000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.

And Then

 

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

SMP or Surveyor Management policy of formulated By the PSGIC’s like NIA, OIC, UIIC & NIA is one more hurdle for entrance & smooth functioning of the surveying profession. Rather, it is of no use to the new entrants & is a cruel joke. However lets go through lighter side of the SMP process.

Surveyor Management Policy (SMP)

To be a surveyor, you must ‘be courteous, diplomatic, shrewd, persuasive, an expert jollier, of an equable temper, slow to anger, a Sherlock Holmes, up-to date, good looking (with honest eyes and a glad hand), a good memory, acute business judgment, and the embodiment of virtue but with a good working knowledge of sin and evil in all its forms.   

A surveyor must understand insurance, electricity, chemistry, mechanics, physics, bookkeeping, banking, merchandising, selling, shipping, contracting law, medicine, real estate, horse trading and human nature.

He must be a mind-reader, a hypnotist, an athlete, and above all, an expert photographer. He must be acquainted with machinery of all types and materials of all kinds and he must know the current price of everything from a shoestring to a skyscraper. He must know all, see all, and tell nothing and be everywhere at the same time.

He must satisfy the claims manager, deputy manager, the clerical staff, the underwriting department,the development manager, the general agent, the local agent, the solicitor, the insured, the claimant and the repairer.

SMP-Surveyor Management policy of OIC, NIC, UIIC, NIA

SMP-Surveyor Management Policy of OIC, NIC, UIC & NIA

A man walks into an insurance co’s office and asks for a job.

“We don’t need any one,” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing.”
“We have two prospective clients that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you will get a job.”

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a Rs.100,000 policy and another for a Rs.60,000 policy.

“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.

“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over Rs.50,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five ltr. buckets, one in each hand.

He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Sharma’s and this one is Mr. Verma’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”

An insurance surveyor, a lawyer and a workshop manager are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small town hotel. “I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the animal shed,” the hotel manager says.

The workshop manager volunteers to sleep in the shed, goes outside, and the others go to bed.

In a short time they’re awakened by a knock. It’s the workshop manager, who says, “There’s a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.”

The lawyer says that he’ll sleep in the barn.

The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.

It’s the lawyer who says, “There’s a pig in the barn. I’m Muslim, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal.”

So the insurance surveyor is sent to the barn.

It’s getting late, and the others soon fall asleep.

But they’re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It’s the cow and the pig!

Two insurance agents were driving down a country road at high speed and passed a pickup truck with an old couple inside. “Look at those fools,  Must be a couple of insurance agents and they will surely meet their maker soon, I tell you.”

Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a bad accident involving the two insurance agents. “Well dear, we got to do what any good man would do and give them a decent burial.”

So the couple dug a hole and buried the insurance agents. Just as they were putting their tools away, a cop drives up. “You folks see this accident?”

“No sir, but we knew the dam fools were going to have it when they passed us doing a hundred miles an hour. Well, we finally came across the accident and gave them insurance agents, a decent burial”

“You were sure that they were dead??”
——————–
“Well, they said they weren’t, but you know how those insurance agents always exaggerate!”

****Two insurance claims managers are discussing business one day. One manager asked “I heard there are 20 surveyors working for you?”
The other manager replied ” They seem to be twenty but I consider half of them.”

 

***The other day my house caught fire. The insurance surveyor said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?”
I said, “Fire and theft.”

Insurance surveyor frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind of policy, it Should be fire OR theft.”

Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if  the theft take place while the house is on fire.

 

An Insurance surveyor is flexible; they are either right, or can prove it to be so.

There are worse things in life than death – have you ever spent an evening with an insurance surveyor ?

You know you’re getting old when your insurance company sends you half a calendar.

I don’t have life insurance because I’m going out of this world the way I came into it… as a burden to my family

• Do you know how to get an insurance surveyor to laugh on a friday – tell him about that a fire incident in the busy market
• Insurance agents are premium lovers.
• Why won’t sharks attack brokers… professional courtesy.
• Insurance agents do it with third parties

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.

Life insurance is a policy that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.

Cause of loss:

Picked from claim forms:

*I saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off my car.

*I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

*The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

*The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him.

 

Cause of loss:

Picked up from claim forms:

*A mad Cow wandered into my car

*She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.

*A pole hit into my car, damaging it in two places.

 

An Ins. Surveyor Poem

Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dream.

Up there Yam doot  met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said “I must check your record, please stand here and wait.”

He turned and said “Your record is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause.

I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you’ve done everything a good person should never do.

We can’t have people like you up here, your life was full of sin,”
Then he read the last of my record, took my hand and said “Come in.”

He lead me up to the Big Boss and said “Take him in and treat him well,
He used to work as surveyor, he’s done his time in hell.”

 

Funny insurance one liners:

***Insurance agents do it with third parties.

***Why won’t sharks attack insurance surveyors… professional courtesy.

***Actuaries do it without risk.

***Actuaries do it with varying rates of interest.

***What do claim hub managers use for birth control – their personality.

Funny insurance Jokes:

Geeta owned a shop and one day it burned down, so she called the insurance surveyor.

She said, “I had that shop insured for Rs.six lac and I want my money.”

The surveyor replied, “Well just a minute, Ma’am, because unfortunately it doesn’t work quite like that. First, we will determine the value of the old store and provide you with a new one of equivalent value.”

Sue paused for a minute and then said, “Well, if that’s is the case, I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband!”

Insurance Humour:

An insurance claim processor was leaving for work one day when his wife asked him, “You always carry my photograph with you when you’re going to the office. Why?”

The processor replied, “Well, whenever I hit a problem, no matter how impossible it might seem, I just take a look at your photo and the problem just goes away.”

His wife was very pleased with this reply and said to her husband warmly, “Ha! See how wonderful and miraculous I am for you?”

He replied “Yes, I just take a look at your picture and then I say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be greater than this one?'”

***————————————————————————————————***

A traveller was exploring a remote island that was inhabited solely by tribals. One day the traveller came upon a butcher’s shop which specialized in human brains. The brains were different prices according to the source. The sign in the shop had the prices as follows:

Actuary’ Brains…..                  Rs.50/Kg

Loss assessors brain…..        Rs.100/Kg

Underwriters’ Brains…..          Rs. 200/Kg

Claim manager’s brain……    Rs.400/Kg

Insurance surveyor’s brain ….Rs. 2000/Kg

 

When he read the sign, the traveller exclaimed, “My, those insurance surveyors’ brains really must be something special!”

The butcher replied, “Are you kidding me! Do you have any idea how many of them we have to kill to get one Kg of brains?”

Insurance one liner jokes

“Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.”

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

Insurance employees works very fast, if you are carrying a stick.

 

Cause of loss:

Picked from claim froms:

 
1.  The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

2.   while attempting to kill a fly in my car, I drove into a telephone pole.

3.   I collided with a stationary truck coming from other side.

Insurance Quotes:

1. My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.

2. Life insurance is a policy that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

3. Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.

Insurance Jokes:

1. What do an insurance policy and a woman have in common?

They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.

 

2. An insurance surveyor visited his local museum and accidentally knocked over a statue.

The museum curator said to him, “That’s a six hundred year old statue that you’ve broken!”

The insurance agent replied, “Thank God for that! I thought it was a new one.”

 

3. What do hospital gowns and insurance policies have in common?

You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

 

Donot laugh at me:

You May be an insurance surveyor if . . .

You reach for your wallet just to make sure it’s still there when you hear a claimant say, “I only want what’s coming to me ….”

You read about a spectacular and tragic accident in your local newspaper or see it on TV and say aloud, “Wow – that’s gonna’ be a big claim!”

You may be an independent surveyor if you scan The Weather Channel for emerging tropical storms in the ocean  and yell, “COME ON, BABY!!”

Your car sports a bumper sticker that reads, “Adjusters get no release.”

You know that a body shop has nothing to do with a massage parlor.

You know that a frame-straightener is not found inside an optician’s shop.

You can speak for twenty minutes straight on the pro’s and con’s of aftermarket parts.

Finally, you may be a surveyor if . . . You can use the word “betterment” with a straight face.

Quote of the week:

1. Love hurts. Insurance doesn’t.
2. I’m not perfect, just insured.
3. An apple a day keeps the doctor away… so does having no medical insurance.

 

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